you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
