they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
