Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
