Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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