I think my vagina is haunted
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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