can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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