I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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