I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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