fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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