Got a toothbrush?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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