alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
