Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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