Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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