I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
MIDGETS
????
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
