so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
