Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
