This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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