my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
