Umm I'm too high to move.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
