I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
