She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Randomize
