I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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