There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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