first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
