if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
