I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
