If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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