the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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