the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
