Ambien. No doubt about it.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took a bar mat shot.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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