We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
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Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
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He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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