I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
