Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
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Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
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Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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