i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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