I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
