just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
