Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
