I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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