How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
