I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I have feelings that need drinking.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
