Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
