Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
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when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.