Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
i need some magic done to my vagina