You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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