just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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