i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
