Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We left the knife in your bed.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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