so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
