I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's blow job season.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
