I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
