Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
