my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Your cock deserves a montage
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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