There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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