Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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