remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
