instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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