Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
