Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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