why didn't you poke me back
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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